driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself![]()
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At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
me: lmao i saw it on twitter
them: what’s your twitter
me: i don’t have twitter
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
When you’re here for the treats.
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
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When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song