Drivers in my town ignore crosswalks. If they had shot the Abbey Road album cover in my town, there would’ve been one or two fewer Beatles.
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I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
“Done the ad yet?”
“Yes, it’s already up.”
“Great. And you remembered the names of all the dinosaurs?”
“More or less”
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.