Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong

[helping kid w/math]

What is 0.1 as a fraction?

“One tenth?”

Good, now what does 10% mean?

“Battery low, plug in your phone?”

Perfect

Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.

1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.

Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.

I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”

what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”

Second person to try hang gliding: Wow thanks for letting me be the first person to try this

Inventor: Suuure

Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.

I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher

Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.

“Why do Americans write the month before day?”
“That’s how you say it, month first”
“What’s the date today?”
“It’s the fourth of July”

ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing

HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard

ME: hannahannahannahannaha

My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.

She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.

It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.

If she says “so just what exactly is THAT supposed to mean”… you’re gonna have a bad time.

He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.

If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.

Thursday, 4:01pm

“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”

I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…

I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.

I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.

You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.

All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.

My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.

Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.

If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.

doctor: describe your morning routine

me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance

doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g

me: I know how it’s spelled

The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.

Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.

Drove past Sheffield a few times over the years & always wondered what they were building with all the cranes. Every year the cranes were there & I said to my husband how long have they been building there? The look on his face when he told me it was a crane yard.

Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.