Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.

6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.

Me: What do you have to spell?

6: Words, probably.

Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,

[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here

It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?

I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.

imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out

wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair

Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.

Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.

they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too

convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”

dr: what happened here

me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him

dr: why

me: wasn’t his birthday I guess

Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room

Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.

My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.

*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*

Baker: “When is your wedding?”

Me: *with mouthful of cake*

“What wedding?”

There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.

Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?

Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger

Her: Give me a chat up line?

Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?

Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?

Me: No, you smell like an animal.

I have no time for stupid people

But they sure do have time for me.

Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?

dog 911: what’s your emergency

dog: there’s an intruder

dog 911: is he in your house?

dog: no, he’s across the street

dog 911: that’s not a problem

dog: what if he comes over here?

dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES

dog: SHOULD I BARK?

dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES

If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.

I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁

Celine Dion: all by myself

CDC: good

CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself

CDC: sorry but them’s the rules

I’m not saying I’m an idiot…

But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.

I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.

Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you