Drivers in my town ignore crosswalks. If they had shot the Abbey Road album cover in my town, there would’ve been one or two fewer Beatles.
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Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
My fridge is a veritable cornucopia of leftovers. I am not grateful for this cornucopia. My cornucopia is beginning to grow stuff.
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
She’s got style
She’s got grace
She dropped her cellphone on her face
She’s a lady
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.