drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
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Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
9: [doing something dangerous]
me: ok look I’m afraid you’re going to slip, fall and crack your head open and die
9: you’re always afraid of something like that.
Eight minutes into dinner date and I’m out of knock knock jokes.
Just found out we’re not supposed to root for the chest burster in Alien??
He is literally A BABY!
I’m sorry I’d rather support an innocent child than a mining conglomerate.
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
😂🐈⬛
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
Bill is short for Billiam
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
I put the hot in psychotic.