[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
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I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
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