Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.

They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.

asking my bank if i can do extra credit

[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*

imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them

SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust

Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.

The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.

Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?

“Mom, it’s-”

*dad makes throat slice gesture*

“No one, Mom. No one”

[Robbery]
– Give me everything you have!
– I’ve only got this defective set of scales.
– Just hand it over!
– You’ll never get a weigh with this.

my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion

[watching paint dry]

“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”

Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?

Person: Are you on the conference call?

Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?

The moon is waxing but my interest is waning because I like a moon with full bush ok

I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.

To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.

The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.

*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM

Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.

Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this

My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.

You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?

*Being murdered in bed*

Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??

therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.

Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.

As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”

Package delivery vans should play music when they’re driving through a neighborhood like ice cream trucks do

“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”

My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.

[1st person to try jogging]

Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?

Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.

Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!

What’s faster than the speed of light?

A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.