Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate

Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.

I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.

I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”

Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”

When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.

6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!

The evidence to the contrary:

They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.

I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.

Taze me once, shame on you; taze me twice, I’ve snuck back into the zoo

me watching my own Instagram story

extrovert: want to come out with us

me: i’ll let you no.

I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?

Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.

[my first day at Marvel Comics]

Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!

Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!

People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math

imagine playing truth or dare and they dare you to go home

every video on here is a staged fight called something like “Was the Nurse Right to Yell at the Patient🤔” with 1.3M comments that say “imho if I were the nurse i would yell at the patient”

“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers

Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.

ME: [watching tv]

FRIEND: You should turn it on tho

It’s so funny how dracula in marvel is a thing and he is constantly in the background as a looming threat but noone cares but blade

Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.

There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.

There’s also a horrible time.

Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*

booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity

Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.

Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?

4 Year Old: Chocolate

Me: You really are my child.

Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”

Do I laugh or….?

My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.