*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
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[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
Hell hath no fury like a sports bra being applied to a just showered but not 100% dry body.
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.