*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
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There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
[Texts to 14]
Hey
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.