*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
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I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
Ask not if it pleases the court – ask what the court can do to please you.
– Chapter Three, Contempt Of Court For Dummies
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
Hey pals! I’ve been on a break from making comics but you can read two new ones right here:
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
These modern phones are great but I miss the days of old Nokias… you know if you were out and needed a hammer, a weapon or even an anchor for a boat.. voila
I stopped at Culver’s and got cheese curds. I felt so guilty, I really should’ve gotten some onion rings too.
When Hulk wrecks shit he’s “incredible.” When I do it I’m “causing a scene” and “need to leave this Arby’s immediately.”
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
there are 8 billion people in the world and i only have 3 friends and one is annoying.
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
Oscar Wilde: “be yourself, everyone else is already taken”
Liam Neeson: *cracks knuckles*
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor