*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
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Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
Them: what kind of friend are you?
Me: idk Phoebe maybe
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.