Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
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Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*