[driving 2 school]
*looks back,sees toothbrushes in child carseats
[cut to kids at home, covered in toothpaste]

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If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.


I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.


Announced sternly to students today that “only hard things are worth doing!” In other news, I have a bunch of parent emails to respond to.


Me: Why does it take you forever to text me back?

*3 hours later*

Her: What are you talking about?


My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.


4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.


Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.


So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.


“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.


My condolences for you and your family through this difficult transition is why my wife won’t let me send back wedding RSVP cards.