@Rlpihl

[driving 2 school]
*looks back,sees toothbrushes in child carseats
WAIT! IF YOU’RE HERE THEN…
[cut to kids at home, covered in toothpaste]

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@CourageDR

I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.

@NikkiGlaser

Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart

@IvoryGazelle

The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves

@sixthformpoet

The Pope is hardly the first person to lose interest in their real job so soon after joining Twitter.

@weinerdog4life

Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.

@trevso_electric

One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.

@Beerhaze

If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.

@HatfieldAnne

My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.

@hstweetheart

I’LL TAKE TEN OF YOUR FINEST MIDGETS! THEY MUST BE CLEVER CONVERSATIONALISTS & KNOW HOW TO PARTY.

“…Ma’am, this is a preschool…”