@Rlpihl

[driving 2 school]
*looks back,sees toothbrushes in child carseats
WAIT! IF YOU’RE HERE THEN…
[cut to kids at home, covered in toothpaste]

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@RichHarris2

If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.

@CulturedRuffian

I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.

@mama_earp

Announced sternly to students today that “only hard things are worth doing!” In other news, I have a bunch of parent emails to respond to.

@HairyJew4Life

Me: Why does it take you forever to text me back?

*3 hours later*

Her: What are you talking about?

@SondraDeeMe

My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.

@AmishPornStar1

4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.

@ReeseButCallMeV

Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.

@DCpierson

So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.

@AbbyHasIssues

“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.

@shawnspree

My condolences for you and your family through this difficult transition is why my wife won’t let me send back wedding RSVP cards.