Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?

One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there

There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.

Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high

Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*

*on death bed*

Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?

*gets kicked in the ribs*

Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using

Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.

[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body

People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel

Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down

him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you

me:

Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something

Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.

Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]

My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?

I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician

When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.

For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair

Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?

Because he had no acetol

I like the word amongst. That’s it.

Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.

CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.

Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.

Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.

wife: are you drunk?

me: define “drunk”

w: impaired by an excess of alcohol

m: define “excess”

w: yeah, you’re drunk

m: define “you’re”

NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!

ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god

Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.

I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.

[date]

Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’

Her: “Shall we order dessert?”

Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”

Me: I’m going to mall

Wife: For what?

Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop

Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?

Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.

Our friends: [just married] we want kids

Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours

I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.