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A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
If a snake ate a cake
never trust a guy who wants you to try out for a boy band in a motel off the jersey turnpike.
i know this now.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
*seductively corrects your posture*
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.