Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
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who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
whatcha thinkin bout
Robot bartender rips me in half after listening to my problems for over an hour.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
Dress for the demons you want, not the demons you have
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
Meow
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
“Worm Regards”
Tuesday
Political ads be like: send us money so we can send you more ads
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.