Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
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Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
Can’t wait for the next debate, I’m so close to deciding who to vote for.
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?