Driving along with my 9yo son and a commercial comes on for “underboob deodorant” and he says “daddy do you use that?” Parenting is bullshit.
You Might Also Like
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
Science memes
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
This classic never gets old . . .
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.