Driving along with my 9yo son and a commercial comes on for “underboob deodorant” and he says “daddy do you use that?” Parenting is bullshit.
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If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
It really annoys me when people use the wrong word and don’t have the humidity to admit it
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.