Driving along with my 9yo son and a commercial comes on for “underboob deodorant” and he says “daddy do you use that?” Parenting is bullshit.
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My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
I don’t hate children, just yours.
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”