Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips

Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat

It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.

[Zoom call]

Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute

There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx

Meat Cute

Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible

Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job

I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.

I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.

True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.

Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.

wife: I’m having a baby.

me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.

I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes

Legos on the floor by her side of the bed

Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side

Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.

“playing devil’s advocate” should cause explosive diarrhea 1 out of every 5 times someone (your coworker) says it

“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”

No.

“I’ve got plenty of time.”

Sure.

“I’m not lonely.”

Sir, are you going to buy anything?

I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.

Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain

I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.

Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.

If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.

The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.

Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.

Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?

I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…

Me: I’d like the French dip

Waiter: Au jus?

Me: No, Catholic

My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.

Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.

I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen

How many vultures circling you is good luck?

What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?