Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??

My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao

When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again

When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.

me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no

*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away

Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.

I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?

My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.

Child: [crying]

Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?

Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!

Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.

I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.

ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods

product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open

ceo: lol no

I forgot how to panic. Help

I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?

I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.

I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.

[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]

Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?

7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV

*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?

Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.

sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer

painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?

me: absolutely not

[First day as a psychic]

Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.

Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning

wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?

My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.

My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon

my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?

st. peter: that’s right

me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say

Him: Who’s The Man?!?

Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….

Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”

“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”

[visiting southern France]

Me: This is Nice

Wife: It’s pronounced Nice

Me: I said Nice

Wife: No, you said Nice

Me: Nice

Wife: Nice

*69 minutes later*

Me: Niiiiiiice