Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
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Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
“eat what’s in season” the health people said
Me:
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
DHL: Hi! We popped by!
Me: No you didn’t
DHL: But there wasn’t anyone in!
Me: Yes there was
DHL: Would you like us to divert your parcel to a local service point?
Me: *Sigh* fine
DHL: Well we can’t!
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
ladies if you’re bored and itching to fight ask him if he’d still love you if you were deathly allergic to love
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
Training for a job is a bunch of people telling you “this isn’t how youre supposed to do this but this is how I do it” and then nobody tells you how you’re supposed to do it.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*