Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The name Sir Mix-a-lot sounds like he would be better at baking than rapping

ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.

I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine

Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.

I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest

ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”

Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.

The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??

[texting]

HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?

Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium

HG: ?

N: SeNd NeWDs

Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?

Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes

Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds

Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well

I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”

I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.

i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either

Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.

When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”

Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’

I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.

Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?

Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.

The BMI chart says that for my height I should weigh 160 lbs.

My skeleton weighs 160 lbs.

Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean

*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*

Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.

For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in

Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.

Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.

The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.

Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.

Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it

thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes

3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall

Me: oh dear god