[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
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Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.