[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
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Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
“I’ve never wished a man dead, but I’ve read some obituaries with great pleasure.”
— Mark Twain
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
What was the main bloke called in Harry Potter
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake