Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A visual representation of how much I think countries look like a chicken nugget. More green = more nuggety.

I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.

Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.

Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.

If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?

Yoga pants.

Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.

Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.

Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.

*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”

I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment

Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.

Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.

We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.

Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?

Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.

HFD:

Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.

BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day

I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.

I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.

I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.

I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg

ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others

me: thats not me

Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you

me: nah thats not me

ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him

Onion rings.

What sounds do other vegetables make?

[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]

witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*

There’s no “I” in angel.

But there is one in devil!

Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.

You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.

Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?

Me: yes

Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture

GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT

wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off

I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook

“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.