[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
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Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
Dookie Cough is how folks were dying on the Oregon trail.
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
There are no pants in heaven.
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
peak technology
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
I think I would make a good private detective. I have some vinyl records in the garage someplace and a crushing alcohol addiction.
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
The doctor asked the 3s what their favorite vegetable was at their physical today.
3B told him bananas.
3A told him cheese.
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way