[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
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Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account