Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.

Well, boo hoo.

My dad was actively aggressive.

Just ask my hand.

I love wikipedia

5: can i play the wii?

me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?

5:

me:

5: but she’s still sleeping!!

me: i don’t want to die today.

When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.

I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.

Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.

Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.

Me: Not until you turn the heat down.

All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.

These aren’t even hard anymore.

Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.

CUTE JOKE ALERT!

the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.

CUTE JOKE OVER!

It’s cool, I don’t know why I’m still talking either.

Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.

Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes

16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection

Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?

16: I’m sorry I tell you anything

Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity

Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.

Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.

[christmas break with my extended family]

*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!

cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me

every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences

Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination

(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?

When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?

Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.

is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)

Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?

Me: I don’t even think about work at work.

ME: I’m giving you to the count of three

SON: does he have a castle?

If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…

A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26

Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy