Driving between speed cameras is called intermittent fasting.
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You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
quarantine day 3
Y’all know who you are.
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]