Driving between speed cameras is called intermittent fasting.
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A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
Dog politely drops hints that he’s interested in walking..🐕🐾😅
I hope 100 years from now people will read my tweets and think ‘Wow, she was unwell’
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
Steven: Good evening
Stephen: Good ephening
My 6yo just told me all about this new place he heard about and wants to visit this weekend, so I asked for more details, aaaand it’s a casino
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
I hope Usain is training his daughter. Can’t let a name like Olympia Lightning Bolt go to waste, sorry
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you