Driving between speed cameras is called intermittent fasting.
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in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
I love the word “rapscallion”, not only are you a rascal but you’re also being a bit of a spring onion about it too.
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.