Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I pride myself on being able to take a joke. That’s how I ended up with so many jokes.

*loses you in a crowd*

finally

Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.

*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*

*wakes up in Emergency*

this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what

Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!

Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille

archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!

archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?

archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird

archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?

archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this

BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…

My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again

Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”

I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.

“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.

Me: I like the funny horse cartoon

Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it

Me: haha the cops a cat

No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.

13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!

Me: What?

13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.

Me:

13: Oh wait, that’s French.

Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.

My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.

*invents time machine*

*has an opportunity to right a wrong*

*makes it wronger*

I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds

Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:

Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”

Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!

We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.

Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.

Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.

85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.

I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.

Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.

I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.

The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!

I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.

[Job Interview]

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?

Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.

Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.

Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.