[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
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My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
Imma just leave this here…………
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan