*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
This is the entirety of an email I just got from a lawyer.
10/10 no notes.
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
“you look easy to draw”
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
On the Museum of Science and Industry coal mine tour and the guide asks “how would you improve working conditions in the mine?” This Little One shoots a hand up and cheerfully answers:
“Riot”
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
