*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
President The Rock Obama
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
My wife has us watching so many crime documentaries, I swear I’ve seen a drone shot of every small-town water tower in America.
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
I’ve been experiencing nonstop targeted ads for Spanx, and Skims, and various other types of girdles, so which AI engineer woke up and chose violence today?
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
