Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
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Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
Travel bloggers during quarantine
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza