Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
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You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
A patient buying cigarettes from his hospital bed, 1950s
NYPD has located a can of Pringles left behind by the assassin in Central Park. Upon opening it, they found it was spring-loaded with a large toy snake
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
I see no reason these two should not be wed, but I do like to make things about me.
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
I’m pretty like a car crash.
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
So rude to come up with solutions to my excuses
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
I treat people the way I want to be treated by not leaving the house.
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR