Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???

“Are you okay?”

Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.

“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour

My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics

I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.

In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏

sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers

* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…

At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.

Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”

I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now

[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”

Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.

BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.

My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”

Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”

*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*

Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]

*catches keys in my mouth*

Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.

my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl

When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.

I got mad at a rock today.

I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.

Now there are two rocks.

Send help. Now.

[First Date]

I’ll just have a salad.

[Second Date]

*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*

This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.

Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else

Me: I love all the letters equally

I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.

So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?

[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men

one time in med school a doctor I was working with said he would only learn my name if I got all of his anatomy questions correct (???)

so I said I would only learn his name if he got all of my pokemon questions correct

Body: time to sleep.

Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.

The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.

No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!

For all I know, you could be a vegan.