Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
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I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?