Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

her: did you wrestle in high school?

me: do my emotions count?

What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?

My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!

spouse: what are you doing

me: i’m writing a pilot

spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂

me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?

If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.

Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.

ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?

BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?

ME: no, it’s a Civic

If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.

So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .

Guess who got his yard cut?

One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.

Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.

“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS

Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?

Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.

*Last Will & Testament

And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.

[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]

Interested in both term and whole life insurances.

We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.

Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude

good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*

Me: We are leaving in an hour

Teens: Okay

*58 mins later*

Teens: *start cooking their lunch*

Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.

should i airdrop this to the person in the voting booth next to me

Black and white films:

MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?

The hospitality industry is always looking for influencers who can bring visibility to their business. YOU could be that influencer! and having your own professional travel blog is how you do it! Click here to start your own travel blog #ad

me: hey have you seen my keys?

patient I just operated on: no

me: go like this *wiggles*

{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.

Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction

It’s “time to change my password” at work again today. I feel like this is happening more frequently. According to my password, the last time was TuesdayMarch12

[Conditioning my hair in the shower]

Me: *rings bell*

My hair: *salivates*