Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland

Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.

Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.

Me: “Want a banana?”

3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”

Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*

Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!

Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”

*pronounces bondage like corsage.

This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.

People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.

So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.

I’d like to schedule a disappointment.

Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.

* heats water for tea in the microwave *

* delights at the reactions from purists *

OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋

me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”

If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.

I built a tricycle pram tonight

*adds bike mechanic to the resume*

Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.

One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet

Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT

angel: they seem to be doing well

God: give them more diseases

angel: is that really necess-

God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla

I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.

Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again

[At job interview]

Interviewer: Do you have a police record?

Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette

*hires me instantly

[blind date]

HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*

ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am

[6 month dentist visit]

Dentist: How often do you floss?

Me: Every 6 months

when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok

god: make a giant mouse

angel: okay

god: with a baby carrier on it

angel: wh- why

god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff

angel: [nervously] what stuff

god: [hits joint] boxing

Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.