DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
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What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
❤️❤️❤️
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]