[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
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serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.