[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
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This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
Somebody’s lying.
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
imagine jeffrey dahmer walking into a 5 guys and reading the menu like well that’s def not what i was expecting.
Saturday
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
[trying to open a packet of hotdogs but I can’t because I refuse to slow down on my run]
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.