Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.

Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.

40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant

I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”

The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.

I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people

If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.

If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.

Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter

Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…

Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook

Me: Aww too bad

Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.

rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him

urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium

[Applebee’s, 49 BC]

waiter: what would you like, sir

Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*

waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*

Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.

I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.

I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.

Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.

I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.

Me: I don’t think I belong

Therapist: Do you think you be short?

Sex is great, but have you ever started slowly picking up speed after sitting in a traffic jam?

Get in loser we’re going crying

This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.

Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.

The good ones are already taken.

This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.

That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…

“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”

How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home

I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.

I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.

My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.