Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.

My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard. 

I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.

[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING

everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have

Today I learned that ostriches sometimes walk around and then they forget where they are going. Today I also learned that the ostrich is my spirit animal

Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.

wanted: shrödingers cat

dead and alive

When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.

me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real

humpty dumpty: watch me

[several minutes later]

me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault

you can lead a squid to water but you can’t make it ink

Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.

Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions

The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.

8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”

watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it

Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?

Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.

I let my baby girl know she can do anything.

Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.

[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home

[stranded on Mars]

me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days

me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations

Me when the elevator tries to leave without me

Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?

Petition to lower the retirement age. I’m tired now.

kid: i need pencils for school

me: what kind

kid: number 2

[later at the store]

me: do you have any shit pencils

[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands

purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?

There are four main food groups:

1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried

I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.

Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?

Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.