[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
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Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
work smarter, not harder
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something