[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful.
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, she says her printer doesn’t work.
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
I love telling someone to be careful. Because then if they die, that’s on them
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
