Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.

We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed

That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th

#StillHurts

I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”

Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.

Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules

When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.

Penn and Teller is my favourite double act that sounds like 2 things you find in a bank

I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.

Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*

bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”

It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.

My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.

Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.

Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans

My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.

Satan: Welcome to Hell.

Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.

Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.

Me: Sonofa….

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.

if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about

I went to the car park. There were no slides or swings. My car just sat there. Sad.

I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.

-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline

Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?

Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.

Witches love that.

Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…

Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!

Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.

Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.

[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonight

DATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not

Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.