Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear

Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes

i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns

“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating

*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*

Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!

[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three

A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her

THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat

-It’s raining men.

My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.

Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.

Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live

Me: is there anything you can do?

Doctor: I can juggle

Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that

Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks

I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.

This classic never gets old . . .

NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.

I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.

waiter: did you enjoy your meal

me: honestly not really

waiter: yeah your meal sucked. why would you order that. back in the kitchen we were all like why the hell did he order this. it was hilarious. jesus christ man. gotta be one of the worst orders ever

Dad:

Mom:

Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-

Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?

Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?

About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent

Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time

When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..

Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.

friend: edible kick in?

me [washing my hands]: not yet

friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?

Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.

Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐

If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.

I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.

Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.

Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?

Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good

Genie: alright then [disappears]

Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no

“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”

“OK, Daddy.”

If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over

It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor

I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.

After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.