[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
You Might Also Like
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
*an investigator at the site of a airline crash recovers an undamaged toad the wet sprocket cd*
{shaking his head} they shoulda’ made the whole plane out of these
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder