Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.

My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.

“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child

“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”

Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.

Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”

Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?

Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.

[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?

My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess

A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath

[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED

Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.

me when i smell free food in the break room

Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.

Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.

Her: Please be on your best behavior.

Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.

ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you

“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”

wife: do you need help in there?

me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave

sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad

“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*

Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.

But it was hollow. And white chocolate.

My Sentiments Exactly

Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably

If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.

I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker

My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….

Google Earth says everything is just fine.

The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.

My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta

anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”