Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

* heats water for tea in the microwave *

* delights at the reactions from purists *

If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks

There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.

god: here are the animals

man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes

Be the one that gets asked to remove the hockey mask, during a conference call, on Friday the 13th.

[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]

We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.

I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.

The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.

I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.

He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.

[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around

[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second

i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.

I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.

#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay

Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra

Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.

My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.

Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?

[Eating]

Waiter: How’s the meal?

Me: I dunno. Let me check

*pulls out phone

Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram

Waiter: …

‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.

In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.

Fun Fact:

Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.

Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.

To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…

CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE

I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…

Happy 14th Anniversary to skipping school to go see MacGruber & the lady asking us to see ID and then saying “nevermind, anyone who’s under 17 would be in high school right now and who would skip school to go see MacGruber??” We laughed along with her and walked right in.

ME: so what do you do for a living

HER: I work for a moving company

ME: where is it today?

SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-

ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS

SE: -on your sub?

ME: PUPPERONI

yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth