Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.

My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*

Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.

She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.

Was just walking along when I got news that caused me to clasp my hands over my face in gentle despair, at which point a passing teen with impeccable timing shouted ‘Peekaboo!’ at me.

*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*

Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.

I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.

Me: Which cup do you want?

2-year-old: That one!

Me: Let’s pick a different one.

2-year-old: No!

*drinks milk from a shot glass*

I put “the rap” in therapy.

Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.

Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done

‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’

Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.

I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.

After how many years should you clean your microwave?

I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.

My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.

Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse

CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]

My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”

[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”

I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment

Logged into Facebook.

‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’

Logged out of Facebook.

Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before

me: man technology is scary af

black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet

My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.

My kid: You know what I’m thinking??

Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?

I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?

Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.

Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer

“How old are you?”

Things you say to your third child.