Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
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why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
What goes “ooooooooo”?
A cow with no lips.
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
Nothing to do, you say?
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
Wife gets so many weird docs from doctors and insurance companies.
One is notorious for “click here to get emailed for password good for five minutes” password sent next day
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.