Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
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Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
please tinder add AI to your app. i dont want to be involved in the modern dating experience. let a robot do it for me. let the machines suffer in our place
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
me when the borders lift
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
texting my friend “why’s there a firetruck at ur house” while he’s boarding a plane to Europe
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
back to work
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it