Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
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Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?