Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
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[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
“A little help here, Danny?”
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
why do chefs always have to cut everything so fast. It’s just an onion man why don’t you relax
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
Stop it! 😂
I don’t know why Apple is charging me 7.99 , 3.99 and 10.99 and I will never know. frankly that is none of my business
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same