Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
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*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
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Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
Today is International “Hug Your Cat” day. Which means tomorrow is International “Band-aid and Neosporin” day.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.