Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911

Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.

Her: What do you do with the time saved?

Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?

Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks

Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading

Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.

When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.

was in a meeting that ran over by about 20 minutes and the presenter was not even close to being finished

until a very exasperated nigerian colleague unmuted herself to announce loudly “i am very unhappy with you, barry”

*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*

wtf?

“dad i can explain”

u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes

Me: How dilated is she?

Nurse: 4 centimeters.

Me: This is America.

Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.

I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.

I live alone, but still.

My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….

Flirting is easy!

I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.

Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.

[airline check-in]

SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light

PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that

WILLY WONKA: I’m thinking about succession planning. I can’t run this factory forever

LAWYER: Good! What do you have in mind?

WILLY WONKA: A sweepstakes

LAWYER:

WILLY WONKA: We’ll bring in 5 random children and absolutely traumatize the unworthy

LAWYER: …I have concerns

The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat

The internet is magic sometimes.

just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine

I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.

Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am

If twitter has taught me anything alot of us aren’t ready for a spelling bee

Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣

When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.

I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.

Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?

(before ceiling fans were invented)

*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*

Narrator: There has to be a better way…

my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon

singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*

me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!

friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!

Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”

Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat

Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.

[in the car]

4yo: Can my window go down?

Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?

4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?

Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks