Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.

Lunatics are gonna loon.

Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it

Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.

FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to

Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels

“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”

~A parent’s memoir.

If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.

Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards

My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT

Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”

Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”

Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”

Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.

“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”

Haha sure thing kiddo

H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?

Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*

when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out

can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us

Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.

Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke

My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.

HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.

When ur friends with white people

I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.

He was behind this terrible fence.

In my neighbor’s yard.

explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone

I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.

*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.

me: the earth isn’t flat

fiat earther: correct

me: huh?

fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car

me: what?

fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?

me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–

detective: okay I got the picture

me: wow that was really fast

oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog

[blind date]

(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)

“So what do u do?”

Well, I’m like a-

[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]

If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.

I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people

Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier

Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel