*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
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When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
9: dad I don’t want to sleep in my room alone tonight. Can I sleep with you and mom?
me: aw bud, it’s okay. You won’t be alone in your room. There’s plenty of ghosts in there to keep you company.
9: MOM!
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
How broken is your spirit?
Me: Imagine a McDonald’s ice cream machine
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon