(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
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When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
And now we wait
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.