Driving in Europe vs Canada
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I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
I never put a pair of socks together when I put them out to dry, because I think it’s nice for them to socialise with other socks & have some time apart. They’ll appreciate each other more when they’re back together.
Sometimes I think working from home may be affecting my brain.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
alcohol is actually a performance-enhancing drug. but you’re not gonna like the performance
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
Lord, the restaurants you put on this earth to provide noontime sustenance are advertising $17 lunch specials
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
Accidentally ruined my 9yo’s entire life because I said “toilet” too loud in a public place.
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and