Driving in Europe vs Canada
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“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
Music FACT: For security reasons, Kenny Loggins changes his name every 28 days.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Wife: this is why I don’t take you shopping
Me: [hiding in the middle of a department store clothes rack] try to find me
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician