Driving in Europe vs Canada
You Might Also Like
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
Me: Super size it!
Pharmacist: No.
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
Sing it!
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same