driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
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ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that