driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
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pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
🖤✌🏽